For broke MPs ...

A section of leaders we just elected in the most expensive ever are up in arms over the peanuts the public coffers have thrown at them. Over 550,000 peanuts a month! It must hurt; I mean some of them borrowed cash and shit to reach the land of milk and no taxes.

Since it looks like they might be stuck with that shit salary, I suggest they be like everyone else and start a side gig. Something to pay the rent, the endless pussy and for your mother’s shiny suits.

1.       Since MPs are public figures. They should start charging for attending events or media events. You want me at your event? Cough up 165,000 per two hours mathafaks! All those votes have to count for something, I’m popular!

2.       Since most male MPs are on a mission to dry their balls by fucking anything in a skirt. I suggest they take that fucking skill to the sperm bank, at 1,200 per shot! Think of how much you could bank if you stopped seeing those uni girls every day.

3.       Become a model for Moi Avenue exhibition stalls. Get new clothes every day and make sure you’re seen EVERYDAY ON TV.

4.       Become a twitter bigwig. I hear they don’t pay for most things *sips this tea* imagine all the savings you can accumulate for swinging your followers at establishments … GO.FOR.IT

5.       Sell drugs

6.       Sell your seat to Kalonzo Musyoka. End of your mathinas for a loooooong time

7.       Combing Rachel Shebesh’s hair

What side gigs should MPs engage in?

Not going down alone …

So yesterday, KTN aired a mish mash of information that was already in the public domain over a scary music bed and terrible terrible graphics. They called it, ‘Ten minutes to death’ an ‘expose’ on what led to the helicopter crash that killed 6 civil servants *and an extra civilian who is never named to avoid embarrassment*

Buuut, that is not what got tongues going, it was a short clip of Ciku Muiruri chilling with the Artur brothers. I had seen the clip before, like when I was 10 *joking* but I struggled to find the relevance, why was that being shown? They could have easily shown a million and one clips of the 1 billion clips available of the Artur brothers, but they chose this one.

Anyway, Kenyans raided Ciku’s Facebook page calling her all manner of names and Ciku in true fashion was not going to go down alone. Baby gurl, flipped her 10 dreadlocked back and called Moha Jicho Pevu a bunch of soar coconuts for including her in his report all cause she refused to hand him a phone number.

She proceeded to name EVERYONE who was cut out of the clip! She IS NOT GOING DOWN alone! Guuurl is mad AF and for good reason. But this for me casts serious doubts on Moha’s ethics … so this is how he fixes people?!!! He is ‘Fixing’ Ciku all because she refused to give him a phone number?! So what happens if you, let’s say refuse to ‘bribe’ him or ‘sing’ his tune?

Are we raising the next generation of fame whores?

Kenya's social media community is vibrant, we fight and snatch weaves all the way from here to Botswana, we’re idle as fuck! We’ll fight your ass if you can’t pronounce our country’s name properly. All these cheap bundles have led us to also create fame whores. They’re mostly, third rate girls with personalities of a warm pineapple but with somehow *great bodies* a decent face and access to Photoshop.

We have led these girls down the well paved road to hell, and they love it! We have told them they’re all that and a pack of fries, and they’re not. Alhuda Njoroge, Vera Sidiki, Shee Waruinge, the list is endless. They make every effort to milk likes, re-tweets and follows from us. They will pose on top of dinner table *with unwashed untensils still in sight* they will shake their diabs to taarab in dingy room for us. They will do anything to be in conversations, anything

Let us look at Alhuda Njoroge Huddah Monroe. Stumbled on her photos like a year back, her bum against a shower door, very seductive grr, she would then post countless photos which made her look fucking good. Man, we praised her. Who was she? We all knew she was a model, but no one could find her work away from the photos she posted. Who were these photos for? I tell you who they were for, HERSELF. She was building a portfolio and we made it famous.

She says she is a businesswoman *puts down weave* child, what business? If you cannot explain your business to a 5 year old, child, you're hiding things. She claims to be paid 160,000  for every event she has been to. Um, NAME ONE!! I have been to the most expensive events last year, from 10k entry charge, to 4k entry charges, I didn't see your ass there? Folks, listen, I spent time with her inner circle, this lass is like every other lass in Nairobi, free entry, free drinks, hand her VIP access and then end up being someone’s prop for the night.

She bragged about hanging out with the TNA peeps at Carni, GUUURL, we were invited for that too. We didn't show up, cause you know, we had things to do. Let us say she is paid 160,000 for an event. Trust me, she will be expected to perform an act, and we call know she can’t dance, or sing! [See her dancing below]

See, we are raising fame whores. It’s fine, when it’s on social media, but when it crosses over to publication that you’d expect to fact check shit! That is where is crosses the line. I have mad mad respect for Drum, they’re still soldiering on even after the weak sales, but to glorify a woman whose business is as dark as 3am darkness is just stupid!

They gave her 8 pages!! 8 fucking pages! Instead of focusing on a woman, society and girls would look upto, you choose to work with a girl who is so deluded, she thinks she owns a Mercedes C250. Trust me, I have asked around. She owns natsing. Fact check NATSING from Drum. They’re just failing life.

To go ahead and publish her lies is downright dense. What happens to the ladies who are trying to work through the education system? They will be like, shiiit, I look good too! Someone pay me 160,000 to attend their event. We’ll end up with fame whores and whores. Then we'll eventually blame their parents for the mess that will happen. But when will we take the blame for putting these fame whores on a pedestal? 

We were HACKED!!!!

So, this morning K24 decided to entertain us with the shadiest excuse EVER! This tweet was sent out from their Twitter account.

A few minutes later, they sent out a series of tweets saying their account had been hacked, yes, cause we are all 5 years old. We took it, line hook and sinker!

But some peeps on Twirra have tracked down the terrible 'hacker' K24, no need to wait for the Twitter report,  here is your hacker!

Image credits @Tchenya and @WaiganjoNjoroge

Because it seems K24 has a problem understanding what hacking is. A few peeps have the perfect explanation for them.

“The term used when @K24Tv realize their Postinor 2 tweet cannot stop the ‘winning sperm’ tweet.”

— Clande wa Kethi

“Chopping down using a machete”

— Prince Vincent

“The guy who knocks you unconscious just long enough to tweet from your account, then quickly resuscitates you.”

— Mosande

When you feed your creatives MUD!

This is the shit, they churn out .

When I first saw, the ad, I was like ahahahahahaha nice, cause lord knows I'm here for any staring of dicks! A few days later, it hit me. Shit! This ad has been around (in a different form) for many many years. The 'Geniuses' who shot this ad from the Nairobian must think they are the only ones with internet access. Sorry felas, my tree also has wireless chaaa chaaa

Now, a creative without shame went and stole and ad from the web and executed it badly!! in 2013!!! What does that even say about the paper? IS anything on it even original?? I'd tell you, but it would mean a trip to the butchers, since I hear the paper is just good with wrapping meat n shit like that.

Not kinda back, MM really is back.

WOW this is weird! MM is back. Like we never left. Whom am I kidding, it feels like we left. My brain received the news that I would be writing again with hilarity. Then, shock. Then, serious disbelief and confusion. Like many bloggers, I did what I vowed not to do; I stopped writing. I need to say now that writing has become a completely
foreign thing to me. I fell out of the habit and I have to pay for that, dearly. But the important thing is that we are back. Right? And, our love for gossip and ranting still knows no bounds.

While we were away, some penis jockeys of unknown origin tried to hack into people’s bank accounts. Something about that raises my blood pressure so much that I cannot see clearly. I have always been on a futile and foolhardy quest to be a millionaire, and although that is not forthcoming, my morals do not allow me to steal, even a shilling;
and, I expect everyone to act the same way (your opinion is invalid). So you can imagine my disgust when my hard-earned cash disappeared into the blue. Rage, pain, misery and regret. For the sleepless payday nights I spent considering withdrawing and keeping my miserable coins under my mattress. To add insult to the entire mathogothanio situation, my bank (former bank, meh) has the most god awful,
irritatingly incompetent, completely useless and frustrating customer service ever. It is only after I matched down to my branch with a hunting rifle and a rotten attitude that I managed to get my cents back. It suffices that I have chosen to deny those wankers the opportunity to keep my money and took my business to the muindi bank. Their customer service has restored my faith in the entire human race. But I suggest we get more ATMs bana...

Although this is mighty irrelevant at the moment, the election is over (well, technically) and like most people i found the whole thing partially exciting but somewhat upsetting and disappointing. I spent a rather annoyingly large portion of my day queuing. I’m so excited that eventually, most of the useless retards who have done nothing for this country since the early 1830s(when they came to power) were voted out. *faiba jiggle*! However, the fact that Wanjiru (pHD, Dr, BA Hair and Beauty) has not bothered to have her campaign posters removed makes me want to yank out a strand of horse
hair from my mbalas for every minute I am in the CBD. For the love of God we need a clean city. And if she does not understand the meaning of that, I advice her to get someone to read her an offensive email we sent v e r y  s l o w l y.

Also, the hideous piece of crap that is the Samsung Galaxy S4 was launched just juzi- and the only reason I do not associate myself with this seductively brilliant and stinky piece of disease is that I cannot afford it. I will make do with verbal abuse until I can.
Thanks!

We like new site. We hope you do as well.

Apologies for the crankiness,
Viv

Balling on a budget!

A week ago, K24 unveiled their new look and their new talent, which was simply Citizen TV’s top talent (Which Swaleh Mdoe called ‘Socks’ gotta love Swaleh and shade!). Anyway, the launch was a DISASTER! I have seen better organized nursery school recitals. Errbody was made to wear a shiny suit; the ladies ordered the roughest faras in the market and what was with the gown??! Did you see this photo of them at the event?They look like ‘yuthi’ members of kanitha wa mutaratara. 

I mean hand Wes a bunch of Hibiscus flowers and we’re on!

Anyway, a week later, the station has shown us nothing to write home about, kumbe they’re balling on a budget! Their sets are a weird mix of yellow and green, it looks like some colorful mix I usually vomit after team 100. K24 reminds me of the chap who drives a Subru, wears ‘dee-sain-naah’ clothes but when it comes to hit the rave, he will only do Brew, but will shikilia one NYATIPA the whole night! K24 got the talent, but it ends there, they don’t have the resources to make that talent rock!

Their programming is still shit; their frequency is still the ‘stolen’ one from KBC (It will not improve anytime soon). Dethroning Citizen will take time, Kenyans easily forget, just cause Citizen was CORDED doesn’t mean you can come in, thrown in stars into studios the size of a toilet and expect victory. Naah, try harder … and eer yeah, when are you poaching the Citizen TV design team, this logo DIGEHOTA!!

The new logo